Ethan,
Just a few weeks ago you and I played in the snow and were soaked to the bone by the time we were tired enough to come back into the house. Once we changed, we cuddled up in bed and watched Shrek and fell asleep all warm. I wish we could do that every day. I miss getting to check on you while your sleeping and seeing you lie there so peacefully. When your sleeping you look so angelic. Somedays when I haven't gotten to talk to you I feel myself wanting to drop everything to just come hold you. I want you to know that soon you and I will be living together again and you will never have to worry about a thing. I hope that one day when you can read this and you can understand all this, that you will know that I loved you so much and missed you more than all the stars in the sky. You are my little man, who even when I was pregnant with you and had never seen your face, loved you more than words could express. To me you are a blessing and a true expression of my love. I love you Ethan and Can't wait to see you on Monday!
With Love,
Mommy
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Around and Around it goes....oops that didn't work!!!
I spoke with my mom on the phone just a little while ago. Ethan was playing in the background and was laughing. Mom had told me earlier in the week that the toilet in the bathroom hadn't been working correctly since Wednesday. So today she took apart the toilet....aparently my son decided that watching Nana's deodorant don't the toilet was a good idea. LOL!! He is most deffinately my child. When his Uncle's and I were younger, we use to flush weeble people down the toilet and Barbie's various body parts. So I believe Ethan was kinda destined to be a "Object Toilet Flusher Cadet"!! LOL!
Today was a good day at work but I couldn't stop thinking about why I had those little things that I still felt reserved about with my boyfriend. I also recieved a post card from my 2nd ex husband who informed me that I was a cold heartless B.... and that he never loved me and all this other stuff, which really didn't keep my mind any where near focused.
Ya know days like today where my mind is racing just makes me wanna sleep just so I don't have to deal with the realities of things. An then of course it pops into my head even as I am sleeping so that does really NO good either. *sigh* It seems just when I think I have things figured out that something else is thrown at me and makes me just wanna go break some dishes on the driveway or even makes me wanna sit down and cry. And sometimes I just wanna stare out into space and think of NOTHING. I mean nothing but emptiness and quiet.
Today was a good day at work but I couldn't stop thinking about why I had those little things that I still felt reserved about with my boyfriend. I also recieved a post card from my 2nd ex husband who informed me that I was a cold heartless B.... and that he never loved me and all this other stuff, which really didn't keep my mind any where near focused.
Ya know days like today where my mind is racing just makes me wanna sleep just so I don't have to deal with the realities of things. An then of course it pops into my head even as I am sleeping so that does really NO good either. *sigh* It seems just when I think I have things figured out that something else is thrown at me and makes me just wanna go break some dishes on the driveway or even makes me wanna sit down and cry. And sometimes I just wanna stare out into space and think of NOTHING. I mean nothing but emptiness and quiet.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Worries and Love
Have you ever looked at someone and thought "Wow, I think I love them"? Have you ever found yourself falling hard and fast for someone who you've only just begun to find out who the other person is and their likes and dislikes? I have managed to do this. He is amazing and makes me laugh, smile, and feel so good about myself in so many ways. It is just too bad that with what has happened with Ethan that they can't meet yet. One day I know that Ethan will be able to approve of me being with another man....just not today or tomorrow. I have already told the guy I am dating that I love him and in his own way told me today that he for sure loves me back.
I keep having a running list of worries going thru my mind....
"What if he hurts me like I have been hurt before?"
"Can I trust him with my life one day?
"Is he really understanding of just how important Ethan is?"
I could go on and on and just keep going but it will not help me any.
I keep having a running list of worries going thru my mind....
"What if he hurts me like I have been hurt before?"
"Can I trust him with my life one day?
"Is he really understanding of just how important Ethan is?"
I could go on and on and just keep going but it will not help me any.
To Ethan With Love
Ethan,
By now you have been awake for hours, terrorizing Nana's house and the cats, especially Molly! I woke up today and wanted to cry because I missed you sooo much!! You are the brightest spot in my life and really make my heart keep going! In the short 3 yrs you have been on this earth you have brightened SOOO many lives with your smile and wonderful carefree attitude. I remember when you were so sick in my arms those first two months and how I felt so helpless. I was so afraid to lose my baby and yet you held on tight, keeping yourself strong till Mommy could figure out something to make you better!! You are my little fighter and have always been tough no matter what is going on in your life. It is amazing to me that you can smile so big and yet have so much going on in your little mind. I want you to know that Mommy loves you sooo much and is so proud of you for being so strong right now. Keep smiling baby and don't ever let life take hold and get you down, because one day you will be a grown man and will be a wonderful husband and father because of you staying so strong and not giving up!! You will achive so much in your life and already have in the first 3 yrs you have been on this earth!! Keep smiling, keep laughing and most of all keep that shine in your eyes that makes you that irristable little boy that you are.
With Love,
Mommy
By now you have been awake for hours, terrorizing Nana's house and the cats, especially Molly! I woke up today and wanted to cry because I missed you sooo much!! You are the brightest spot in my life and really make my heart keep going! In the short 3 yrs you have been on this earth you have brightened SOOO many lives with your smile and wonderful carefree attitude. I remember when you were so sick in my arms those first two months and how I felt so helpless. I was so afraid to lose my baby and yet you held on tight, keeping yourself strong till Mommy could figure out something to make you better!! You are my little fighter and have always been tough no matter what is going on in your life. It is amazing to me that you can smile so big and yet have so much going on in your little mind. I want you to know that Mommy loves you sooo much and is so proud of you for being so strong right now. Keep smiling baby and don't ever let life take hold and get you down, because one day you will be a grown man and will be a wonderful husband and father because of you staying so strong and not giving up!! You will achive so much in your life and already have in the first 3 yrs you have been on this earth!! Keep smiling, keep laughing and most of all keep that shine in your eyes that makes you that irristable little boy that you are.
With Love,
Mommy
Waiting till Monday.....Friends and other stuff.....
This next week I have to work Wednesday so I will not get to go see my baby boy, Ethan, then so I am going on Monday at least I wont have to wait a week this time. Everyday that I am away from Ethan feels like a year away from him. Right before he went to stay with my mom I got his hair cut and on Wednesday he looked sooo shaggy already! I can't believe how fast he grows. He has such an opinion on everything!
Hopefully this next week Clinton PD will get back to my Mom about getting Ethans therapy set up and getting my husband nailed for what he has done. Ya know it's sad that he only got 5 years in DOC for what he did but honestly even if he doesn't fully answer for what he did here on earth, when he dies, that's when the true test comes into play. Some how I don't think God takes too kindly to people like my soon to be ex husband, not my place to judge him but I am pretty sure on that point.
On a brighter note....I heard from a friend on facebook who read my blog and I have to say that her comments almost brought me to tears myself. It made me feel so good though to know that I do have someone who cares and who feels for me and everything else that she could possibly feel.
Hopefully this next week Clinton PD will get back to my Mom about getting Ethans therapy set up and getting my husband nailed for what he has done. Ya know it's sad that he only got 5 years in DOC for what he did but honestly even if he doesn't fully answer for what he did here on earth, when he dies, that's when the true test comes into play. Some how I don't think God takes too kindly to people like my soon to be ex husband, not my place to judge him but I am pretty sure on that point.
On a brighter note....I heard from a friend on facebook who read my blog and I have to say that her comments almost brought me to tears myself. It made me feel so good though to know that I do have someone who cares and who feels for me and everything else that she could possibly feel.
A toast with Grape Juice to us and you and you and you...well you get the idea
Its been over four months since Ethan and I were displaced from our home of 2 1/2 years and then split apart because of our circumstances. Everyday I miss Ethan more than he will ever know but I know that he is well taken care of and is loved by his Nana, Papa, and Aunt Bekah. Yesterday I got to see him for the first time in a week (when Wednesday is pretty much my only day to go see him its hard to wait that week in between Wednesdays. He got up from his nap as I arrived at my mom's house and once I sat down in the recliner, he came over and cuddled up with me. A song playing on the radio and being able to hold my baby boy made the water works show up. I cried for a good thirty minutes and my mom kept telling me it was ok but it really isn't. I miss him and wish he was in my arms every day and I could kiss him everyday. The pain I feel inside when it is time up on our visits hurts.
December 11th 2009 was the day my world turned upside down. Who knew that one persons actions could change so many peoples lives? I wont go into details to keep my family safe but if it wasn't for this persons actions I would still be living in the town Ethan and I called home since May 2007. I would also have my home, be able to see my best friend and Nephew whenever I wanted to and I would still be able to see my Mom, Sister and other friends without driving 45 mins one way!! Since Christmas Eve I have been living with my Grandparents, who I must say are a LIFE SAVER!! They support me and really care about me!! They opened up their home for their 21 yr old granddaughter and 3 yr old Great Grandson, without even thinking about it and have given us not only a roof over our heads but a shoulder to cry on and a place to be welcomed.
Since January 31st 2010, I have worked for CVS and actively working towards getting my National Certification as Pharmacy Technician. I love my job and deffinately would NOT trade it for the world (ok maybe an apple pie, but not the world. LOL!). I enjoy my coworkers and my Pharmacists who seem to get a good laugh out of my mistakes as a Newbie.
Also I have lost 53lbs!!! YAY!! *Does the White girl dance* and I am feeling great about myself!! Granted I still look at my ass in the mirror and wish it was smaller but from the amount of date offers I've had even with my big butt I think I will keep it! LoL!
As for the toast, well here it is....I toast to myself, Ethan, My grandparents, My Mom and Step Dad, my siblings and all my other friends and family who have helped me find ME again and learn to love again, This is to you *raises a cup of grape juice* for being my friends and family. For loving me and Ethan and giving us the hope and strength we have needed to move on with our lives. So this is to all of you and many wishes and hopes that we will have many more laughs, smiles and tears together!!
December 11th 2009 was the day my world turned upside down. Who knew that one persons actions could change so many peoples lives? I wont go into details to keep my family safe but if it wasn't for this persons actions I would still be living in the town Ethan and I called home since May 2007. I would also have my home, be able to see my best friend and Nephew whenever I wanted to and I would still be able to see my Mom, Sister and other friends without driving 45 mins one way!! Since Christmas Eve I have been living with my Grandparents, who I must say are a LIFE SAVER!! They support me and really care about me!! They opened up their home for their 21 yr old granddaughter and 3 yr old Great Grandson, without even thinking about it and have given us not only a roof over our heads but a shoulder to cry on and a place to be welcomed.
Since January 31st 2010, I have worked for CVS and actively working towards getting my National Certification as Pharmacy Technician. I love my job and deffinately would NOT trade it for the world (ok maybe an apple pie, but not the world. LOL!). I enjoy my coworkers and my Pharmacists who seem to get a good laugh out of my mistakes as a Newbie.
Also I have lost 53lbs!!! YAY!! *Does the White girl dance* and I am feeling great about myself!! Granted I still look at my ass in the mirror and wish it was smaller but from the amount of date offers I've had even with my big butt I think I will keep it! LoL!
As for the toast, well here it is....I toast to myself, Ethan, My grandparents, My Mom and Step Dad, my siblings and all my other friends and family who have helped me find ME again and learn to love again, This is to you *raises a cup of grape juice* for being my friends and family. For loving me and Ethan and giving us the hope and strength we have needed to move on with our lives. So this is to all of you and many wishes and hopes that we will have many more laughs, smiles and tears together!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
To Ethan with love.....
To Ethan,
Today was a tough day. I thought about spending Wednesday afternoon with you and how I got to hold you and cry while feeling your heart beat with mine. Its amazing how in the few short weeks of you living with Nana that youve grown!! Your deffinately my little man in every way. I just want you to know that I love you and I am so proud to call you my son! I have never seen you so happy, and never has a smile made me feel so good on the inside. I love you and hope you know that I will always be your Mommy NO MATTER WHAT!!
With love,
Mommy
Today was a tough day. I thought about spending Wednesday afternoon with you and how I got to hold you and cry while feeling your heart beat with mine. Its amazing how in the few short weeks of you living with Nana that youve grown!! Your deffinately my little man in every way. I just want you to know that I love you and I am so proud to call you my son! I have never seen you so happy, and never has a smile made me feel so good on the inside. I love you and hope you know that I will always be your Mommy NO MATTER WHAT!!
With love,
Mommy
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