April is Child Abuse Awareness Month......

It is almost April!! Show your support against child support by posting a picture, comment or a post about child abuse!! No child deserves to be abused or neglected!! Do not let another day go by that you do NOT speak out, show support or pay attention to a Abused Child. You caring may be what saves that childs life!! I myself was abused almost my entire life my a relative. Just when I thought I knew what to look for my son, Ethan, was sexually molested by his Step- Father!! We trusted him and he hurt my son!! Make sure you know what to look for in a child who is being abused in any way!!! No child like myself or my son, deserves to live with or die from someone elses choices!!

A Mother's Song

By: Anthony W. Carter

Tying little shoe laces
Wiping off dirty faces
Are just a couple of things
That a mother will do...

Mending a broken heart
Is only just a part
Of the care and the love
That I've given you...

With a Kool-aid smile
And a sparkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

Now, little boy days have passed
And you've grown up so fast
But in my heart
That little boy will never be far...

So on this blessed day
There's so much I want to say
But above all, I thank God
For the man that you are...

With a tender smile
And a twinkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

You've made your mother so proud...

Why God, Why?....No Answer needed

It blows my mind just how much my heart aches. I never knew this was possible. When did God start allowing people to hurt and suffer so much? Why does God give people the freedom to do as they please? Why didn't God STOP my ex husband? Why God?? Why God, did you let this happen? Why did you allow everything that has happened in my life? As if being abused most of my life wasn't good enough, you allowed my 2nd ex husband to do what he did. God, why is it that you are supose to be there yet it is like your just sitting back watching like it is a bad horror movie and laughing? Ya know untill December I knew you were there. I had faith, enough for several people actually, and now I don't even have enough some days to make it from one day to the next!! You failed me. You let this happen. You let him touch my son. You allowed him to ruin my family. God, you allowed me to believe my husband was a good man. God, you gave me the strength to marry him and yet you allowed him to do what he did!!!! There are days I hate you just as much as my ex husband!! Why? Well maybe you need to re-read what I wrote!! I have lost my faith in you and have really started to believe that you aren't there!! If you were there, why is it that you allow child molesters, child abusers, murderers, rapests, and other people like them to walk the earth with those of us who have never hurt another human being? Why have you allowed them to share the same oxygen as us, and why have you even given them life if you honestly knew what path they were going to take in life? I don't think I have enough strength to believe in you anymore...........I was going to ask for a sign that you were there but what good would that do? If I did ask, I'd probably see someone hurt again.....I can't deal with anymore pain, suffering or emotional strain. I'll have these questions again later, but like I said, there is NO ANSWER NEEDED from you!!!

To Ethan, With Love

Ethan,

You are such a strong little boy. From day one you fought hard to stay alive and keep growing into who you are now. It just amazes me that you can smile even though Mommy isn't around. Yesterday hurt so bad, watching you cry just because I was. If I had the means I would bring you home with me. Baby boy, I love you and want you to know that any decision I make is to make our lives better. I hope you know that you are always in my heart and mind! I can't go anywhere without thinking about you or hearing your laughter. It hurts my heart, what is left to hurt, knowing that you had such a hard time after I left yesterday. Nana really tries hard for you and loves you so much! She loves Mommy too and that is why she has taken on the huge responsibility of taking care of you. I can tell you now that one day you will get to live with me again and will never have a thing to worry abt!!! Just keep your chin up, smile often and know that Mommy loves you so much!!

With All My Love,

Mommy

To Bekah, With Love

Bekah,

You are and always have been my little sister who I absolutely adore. Your smart and funny and beautiful inside and out. Granted you have irritated the crap out of me sometimes, what younger sibling doesn't do that to the older sibling? I want you to know that I am soo proud of you!! You have come such a LONG way and grown up so much, especially in the last few months. I really appreciate you being there for Ethan and helping Mom out when she needs you. I really do love you and wish I could come and see you and Ethan more often. I want you to know that once I have my own place again and I have at least a couch for you to sleep on, you are welcome every weekend if I am not working. I want you to know that you are a huge part of my life, just as much as Ethan. I may joke that if you were my child I would have drowned you a LONG time ago, but the truth is I love you so much that if I ever had to I would step right in and care for you and love you with every fiber of my being. You always have been a bright spot in my life and untill Ethan came along you were the only child I loved. I want you to keep that smile on your face, to laugh, to cry and keep moving forward and pray every time you feel like you can't do it anymore. You are worth anyones times, especially mine.

With Love,

Amanda aka Sissy

Rant, Rant and More Rant.......*sigh*

I really wanna go break some dishes on the drive way right now. I wanna punch something so hard I will feel it for days afterwards. I wanna cry myself into a puddle and let people walk thru the puddle of me to dispurse what is life of me. Today was a decent day but I have let things get to me to the point I am pissed off and physically wanting to react as well as emotionally. I have done nothing but cry for the last 45 mins and want to hurt something at the same time. I get so damn frustrated with life and how some people think everything should be handed to them when really they are just low lifes and really should evaluate themselves before looking at other peoples lives. I get so tired of also people like my 2nd ex husband who get away with SOO much and yet can live to tell the tale!! Ya know when my 2nd ex husband was arrested it was like my life had ended. I still even though I know I should forgive him would rather go beat his face in and emotionally hurt him the way he has with me and Ethan and the rest of my family. Not only did December 11th end the hurt in most ways... but also gave me freedom to be me!! I was always talked down to and treated like crap because I wasn't "Molly Mormon" for him, and I didn't cook gourmet meals, and because my son was a little hyper. For the almost 2 years we were together as a couple I was beaten with a stick about getting pregnant. That obviously I wasn't good enough. I was told to lose weight and quit eating, thats why for the first 6 months we were together I made myself puke everytime I ate. I hated being me all together. I hated the weight I carried around and he did a damn fine job of making me feel like a worthless POS because I wasn't pregnant with his child. Every month when I would start my period I was screamed at, threatened to be left and told I was worthless. Besides telling me I was dumb and made me feel so stupid, when I told him my dream of going to school to become a Pharmacy Tech. he basically told me I was only smart enough to be a house wife and that was it! Since he was arrested and my life has been changed so much, I am striving to PROVE HIM WRONG!! I am smart, I am brillant and as a matter of fact if I can make things work I wanna go to school and become a Pharmacist!! I am NOT just a dumb woman who got knocked up at 18 and can't support herself or make any decisions for herself! I am NOT WORTHLESS!!! I wanna be someone. I wanna be happy and I wanna be a person that my family and my son is proud of!!

To Ethan, With Love

Ethan,

Today, to say the least was tough. I went to Destinee's birthday party and alls I could think about was how much I miss you and wanted to hold you so tight. I miss seeing that smile of yours everday, your giggle and kissing your "boo-boo's". I wanted to just go to Clinton and see you at Nana's house but with the weather and all I just couldn't do it. It hurts soo bad, my heart does, not being able to see you and hold you and make you feel better. I wished in some ways that I hadn't cried in front of you because I don't want you thinking you do anything wrong but it felt so good having you near me and just letting out all that pent up emotions I have about this whole situation. I really hope that even though I am not around you that you do think of me. An also know that I love you. I wish I could hold you right now and kiss your cheeks and watch you sleep so peacefully. I am so sorry that he did what he did to you and that I didn't know. I am soo sorry Ethan. One day everything will be made right and you and I will be allowed to be together.

With Love,

Mommy