Six Month and counting......

Its been six months, two days and a few hours since my world was tossed like wet clothes in a dryer. In that time Ive gained sooooo much and learned soo many lessons. First off, I have my Pharmacy Technician License for the state of Missouri. I have an excellent Boyfriend who, even though he wont say these words, loves everything abt me (except my forgetfulness..LOL). My baby boy is growing soo fast and is soo happy with my mom. I have plans for moving out and I am working on filing paperwork for my divorce. Oh and today I put a stop to "you know who's mail" and it felt soooo liberating to STOP him from being apart of my life. Thank you USPS for that. Just a couple more weeks and you will be looking at the "Legally Separated" Amanda R. Williams!! I cant wait to be Amanda R. Ruff again.....it will be so nice to have my name back, to not be associated with that peice of trash......

To Ethan, With Love

To Ethan,

Where did the time go? It seems like an eternity since you were born! It has been almost 3 1/2 yrs since you were born and we have both grown so much. You were so tiny weighing only 7lbs 4 oz! I wish you were still that small some times. You are such a handsome little boy, with a brilliant smile and sweet sweet spirit. I wish I could hug you right now, feel you in my arms and kiss you and let you know how much I love you!!! You are my baby boy. You will always be in my heart and soul and will never be replaced by anyone or anything. Remember that no matter what, youll always be loved and wanted!!

With Love,

Mommy

To Ethan, With Love

To Ethan,

Wow what a crazy month it has been!! I can't believe I let a month pass by without writing to you!! I miss you sooooo much every day and I wish I could hug and kiss you every single day. I know Nana is caring for you and that your growing soo fast!!!! I hope you know that when this is all over that Mommy with be with you all the time and no one will ever hurt you again the way "HE" did. I hope you can forgive me for bringing him into our family, for not noticing that you were being hurt or your Aunt Bekah. I wish I would have seen it and could have fixed everything before it happened. I am soo ashamed of what "HE"" did to you!! I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world, that my every thought and action is because of you. Keep smiling baby boy and Ill see you soon!!!!

With Love,

Mommy

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month......

It is almost April!! Show your support against child support by posting a picture, comment or a post about child abuse!! No child deserves to be abused or neglected!! Do not let another day go by that you do NOT speak out, show support or pay attention to a Abused Child. You caring may be what saves that childs life!! I myself was abused almost my entire life my a relative. Just when I thought I knew what to look for my son, Ethan, was sexually molested by his Step- Father!! We trusted him and he hurt my son!! Make sure you know what to look for in a child who is being abused in any way!!! No child like myself or my son, deserves to live with or die from someone elses choices!!

A Mother's Song

By: Anthony W. Carter

Tying little shoe laces
Wiping off dirty faces
Are just a couple of things
That a mother will do...

Mending a broken heart
Is only just a part
Of the care and the love
That I've given you...

With a Kool-aid smile
And a sparkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

Now, little boy days have passed
And you've grown up so fast
But in my heart
That little boy will never be far...

So on this blessed day
There's so much I want to say
But above all, I thank God
For the man that you are...

With a tender smile
And a twinkle in your eyes
I wrap you in my arms
And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind
Be patient and in time
You'll find out, my son
What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true
Show love in all you do
Then you'll know, just how
You make your mother proud

You've made your mother so proud...

Why God, Why?....No Answer needed

It blows my mind just how much my heart aches. I never knew this was possible. When did God start allowing people to hurt and suffer so much? Why does God give people the freedom to do as they please? Why didn't God STOP my ex husband? Why God?? Why God, did you let this happen? Why did you allow everything that has happened in my life? As if being abused most of my life wasn't good enough, you allowed my 2nd ex husband to do what he did. God, why is it that you are supose to be there yet it is like your just sitting back watching like it is a bad horror movie and laughing? Ya know untill December I knew you were there. I had faith, enough for several people actually, and now I don't even have enough some days to make it from one day to the next!! You failed me. You let this happen. You let him touch my son. You allowed him to ruin my family. God, you allowed me to believe my husband was a good man. God, you gave me the strength to marry him and yet you allowed him to do what he did!!!! There are days I hate you just as much as my ex husband!! Why? Well maybe you need to re-read what I wrote!! I have lost my faith in you and have really started to believe that you aren't there!! If you were there, why is it that you allow child molesters, child abusers, murderers, rapests, and other people like them to walk the earth with those of us who have never hurt another human being? Why have you allowed them to share the same oxygen as us, and why have you even given them life if you honestly knew what path they were going to take in life? I don't think I have enough strength to believe in you anymore...........I was going to ask for a sign that you were there but what good would that do? If I did ask, I'd probably see someone hurt again.....I can't deal with anymore pain, suffering or emotional strain. I'll have these questions again later, but like I said, there is NO ANSWER NEEDED from you!!!

To Ethan, With Love

Ethan,

You are such a strong little boy. From day one you fought hard to stay alive and keep growing into who you are now. It just amazes me that you can smile even though Mommy isn't around. Yesterday hurt so bad, watching you cry just because I was. If I had the means I would bring you home with me. Baby boy, I love you and want you to know that any decision I make is to make our lives better. I hope you know that you are always in my heart and mind! I can't go anywhere without thinking about you or hearing your laughter. It hurts my heart, what is left to hurt, knowing that you had such a hard time after I left yesterday. Nana really tries hard for you and loves you so much! She loves Mommy too and that is why she has taken on the huge responsibility of taking care of you. I can tell you now that one day you will get to live with me again and will never have a thing to worry abt!!! Just keep your chin up, smile often and know that Mommy loves you so much!!

With All My Love,

Mommy

To Bekah, With Love

Bekah,

You are and always have been my little sister who I absolutely adore. Your smart and funny and beautiful inside and out. Granted you have irritated the crap out of me sometimes, what younger sibling doesn't do that to the older sibling? I want you to know that I am soo proud of you!! You have come such a LONG way and grown up so much, especially in the last few months. I really appreciate you being there for Ethan and helping Mom out when she needs you. I really do love you and wish I could come and see you and Ethan more often. I want you to know that once I have my own place again and I have at least a couch for you to sleep on, you are welcome every weekend if I am not working. I want you to know that you are a huge part of my life, just as much as Ethan. I may joke that if you were my child I would have drowned you a LONG time ago, but the truth is I love you so much that if I ever had to I would step right in and care for you and love you with every fiber of my being. You always have been a bright spot in my life and untill Ethan came along you were the only child I loved. I want you to keep that smile on your face, to laugh, to cry and keep moving forward and pray every time you feel like you can't do it anymore. You are worth anyones times, especially mine.

With Love,

Amanda aka Sissy

Rant, Rant and More Rant.......*sigh*

I really wanna go break some dishes on the drive way right now. I wanna punch something so hard I will feel it for days afterwards. I wanna cry myself into a puddle and let people walk thru the puddle of me to dispurse what is life of me. Today was a decent day but I have let things get to me to the point I am pissed off and physically wanting to react as well as emotionally. I have done nothing but cry for the last 45 mins and want to hurt something at the same time. I get so damn frustrated with life and how some people think everything should be handed to them when really they are just low lifes and really should evaluate themselves before looking at other peoples lives. I get so tired of also people like my 2nd ex husband who get away with SOO much and yet can live to tell the tale!! Ya know when my 2nd ex husband was arrested it was like my life had ended. I still even though I know I should forgive him would rather go beat his face in and emotionally hurt him the way he has with me and Ethan and the rest of my family. Not only did December 11th end the hurt in most ways... but also gave me freedom to be me!! I was always talked down to and treated like crap because I wasn't "Molly Mormon" for him, and I didn't cook gourmet meals, and because my son was a little hyper. For the almost 2 years we were together as a couple I was beaten with a stick about getting pregnant. That obviously I wasn't good enough. I was told to lose weight and quit eating, thats why for the first 6 months we were together I made myself puke everytime I ate. I hated being me all together. I hated the weight I carried around and he did a damn fine job of making me feel like a worthless POS because I wasn't pregnant with his child. Every month when I would start my period I was screamed at, threatened to be left and told I was worthless. Besides telling me I was dumb and made me feel so stupid, when I told him my dream of going to school to become a Pharmacy Tech. he basically told me I was only smart enough to be a house wife and that was it! Since he was arrested and my life has been changed so much, I am striving to PROVE HIM WRONG!! I am smart, I am brillant and as a matter of fact if I can make things work I wanna go to school and become a Pharmacist!! I am NOT just a dumb woman who got knocked up at 18 and can't support herself or make any decisions for herself! I am NOT WORTHLESS!!! I wanna be someone. I wanna be happy and I wanna be a person that my family and my son is proud of!!

To Ethan, With Love

Ethan,

Today, to say the least was tough. I went to Destinee's birthday party and alls I could think about was how much I miss you and wanted to hold you so tight. I miss seeing that smile of yours everday, your giggle and kissing your "boo-boo's". I wanted to just go to Clinton and see you at Nana's house but with the weather and all I just couldn't do it. It hurts soo bad, my heart does, not being able to see you and hold you and make you feel better. I wished in some ways that I hadn't cried in front of you because I don't want you thinking you do anything wrong but it felt so good having you near me and just letting out all that pent up emotions I have about this whole situation. I really hope that even though I am not around you that you do think of me. An also know that I love you. I wish I could hold you right now and kiss your cheeks and watch you sleep so peacefully. I am so sorry that he did what he did to you and that I didn't know. I am soo sorry Ethan. One day everything will be made right and you and I will be allowed to be together.

With Love,

Mommy

To Ethan, With Love

Ethan,

Just a few weeks ago you and I played in the snow and were soaked to the bone by the time we were tired enough to come back into the house. Once we changed, we cuddled up in bed and watched Shrek and fell asleep all warm. I wish we could do that every day. I miss getting to check on you while your sleeping and seeing you lie there so peacefully. When your sleeping you look so angelic. Somedays when I haven't gotten to talk to you I feel myself wanting to drop everything to just come hold you. I want you to know that soon you and I will be living together again and you will never have to worry about a thing. I hope that one day when you can read this and you can understand all this, that you will know that I loved you so much and missed you more than all the stars in the sky. You are my little man, who even when I was pregnant with you and had never seen your face, loved you more than words could express. To me you are a blessing and a true expression of my love. I love you Ethan and Can't wait to see you on Monday!

With Love,

Mommy

Around and Around it goes....oops that didn't work!!!

I spoke with my mom on the phone just a little while ago. Ethan was playing in the background and was laughing. Mom had told me earlier in the week that the toilet in the bathroom hadn't been working correctly since Wednesday. So today she took apart the toilet....aparently my son decided that watching Nana's deodorant don't the toilet was a good idea. LOL!! He is most deffinately my child. When his Uncle's and I were younger, we use to flush weeble people down the toilet and Barbie's various body parts. So I believe Ethan was kinda destined to be a "Object Toilet Flusher Cadet"!! LOL!

Today was a good day at work but I couldn't stop thinking about why I had those little things that I still felt reserved about with my boyfriend. I also recieved a post card from my 2nd ex husband who informed me that I was a cold heartless B.... and that he never loved me and all this other stuff, which really didn't keep my mind any where near focused.

Ya know days like today where my mind is racing just makes me wanna sleep just so I don't have to deal with the realities of things. An then of course it pops into my head even as I am sleeping so that does really NO good either. *sigh* It seems just when I think I have things figured out that something else is thrown at me and makes me just wanna go break some dishes on the driveway or even makes me wanna sit down and cry. And sometimes I just wanna stare out into space and think of NOTHING. I mean nothing but emptiness and quiet.

Worries and Love

Have you ever looked at someone and thought "Wow, I think I love them"? Have you ever found yourself falling hard and fast for someone who you've only just begun to find out who the other person is and their likes and dislikes? I have managed to do this. He is amazing and makes me laugh, smile, and feel so good about myself in so many ways. It is just too bad that with what has happened with Ethan that they can't meet yet. One day I know that Ethan will be able to approve of me being with another man....just not today or tomorrow. I have already told the guy I am dating that I love him and in his own way told me today that he for sure loves me back.

I keep having a running list of worries going thru my mind....

"What if he hurts me like I have been hurt before?"
"Can I trust him with my life one day?
"Is he really understanding of just how important Ethan is?"

I could go on and on and just keep going but it will not help me any.

To Ethan With Love

Ethan,

By now you have been awake for hours, terrorizing Nana's house and the cats, especially Molly! I woke up today and wanted to cry because I missed you sooo much!! You are the brightest spot in my life and really make my heart keep going! In the short 3 yrs you have been on this earth you have brightened SOOO many lives with your smile and wonderful carefree attitude. I remember when you were so sick in my arms those first two months and how I felt so helpless. I was so afraid to lose my baby and yet you held on tight, keeping yourself strong till Mommy could figure out something to make you better!! You are my little fighter and have always been tough no matter what is going on in your life. It is amazing to me that you can smile so big and yet have so much going on in your little mind. I want you to know that Mommy loves you sooo much and is so proud of you for being so strong right now. Keep smiling baby and don't ever let life take hold and get you down, because one day you will be a grown man and will be a wonderful husband and father because of you staying so strong and not giving up!! You will achive so much in your life and already have in the first 3 yrs you have been on this earth!! Keep smiling, keep laughing and most of all keep that shine in your eyes that makes you that irristable little boy that you are.

With Love,

Mommy

Waiting till Monday.....Friends and other stuff.....

This next week I have to work Wednesday so I will not get to go see my baby boy, Ethan, then so I am going on Monday at least I wont have to wait a week this time. Everyday that I am away from Ethan feels like a year away from him. Right before he went to stay with my mom I got his hair cut and on Wednesday he looked sooo shaggy already! I can't believe how fast he grows. He has such an opinion on everything!

Hopefully this next week Clinton PD will get back to my Mom about getting Ethans therapy set up and getting my husband nailed for what he has done. Ya know it's sad that he only got 5 years in DOC for what he did but honestly even if he doesn't fully answer for what he did here on earth, when he dies, that's when the true test comes into play. Some how I don't think God takes too kindly to people like my soon to be ex husband, not my place to judge him but I am pretty sure on that point.

On a brighter note....I heard from a friend on facebook who read my blog and I have to say that her comments almost brought me to tears myself. It made me feel so good though to know that I do have someone who cares and who feels for me and everything else that she could possibly feel.

A toast with Grape Juice to us and you and you and you...well you get the idea

Its been over four months since Ethan and I were displaced from our home of 2 1/2 years and then split apart because of our circumstances. Everyday I miss Ethan more than he will ever know but I know that he is well taken care of and is loved by his Nana, Papa, and Aunt Bekah. Yesterday I got to see him for the first time in a week (when Wednesday is pretty much my only day to go see him its hard to wait that week in between Wednesdays. He got up from his nap as I arrived at my mom's house and once I sat down in the recliner, he came over and cuddled up with me. A song playing on the radio and being able to hold my baby boy made the water works show up. I cried for a good thirty minutes and my mom kept telling me it was ok but it really isn't. I miss him and wish he was in my arms every day and I could kiss him everyday. The pain I feel inside when it is time up on our visits hurts.

December 11th 2009 was the day my world turned upside down. Who knew that one persons actions could change so many peoples lives? I wont go into details to keep my family safe but if it wasn't for this persons actions I would still be living in the town Ethan and I called home since May 2007. I would also have my home, be able to see my best friend and Nephew whenever I wanted to and I would still be able to see my Mom, Sister and other friends without driving 45 mins one way!! Since Christmas Eve I have been living with my Grandparents, who I must say are a LIFE SAVER!! They support me and really care about me!! They opened up their home for their 21 yr old granddaughter and 3 yr old Great Grandson, without even thinking about it and have given us not only a roof over our heads but a shoulder to cry on and a place to be welcomed.

Since January 31st 2010, I have worked for CVS and actively working towards getting my National Certification as Pharmacy Technician. I love my job and deffinately would NOT trade it for the world (ok maybe an apple pie, but not the world. LOL!). I enjoy my coworkers and my Pharmacists who seem to get a good laugh out of my mistakes as a Newbie.

Also I have lost 53lbs!!! YAY!! *Does the White girl dance* and I am feeling great about myself!! Granted I still look at my ass in the mirror and wish it was smaller but from the amount of date offers I've had even with my big butt I think I will keep it! LoL!

As for the toast, well here it is....I toast to myself, Ethan, My grandparents, My Mom and Step Dad, my siblings and all my other friends and family who have helped me find ME again and learn to love again, This is to you *raises a cup of grape juice* for being my friends and family. For loving me and Ethan and giving us the hope and strength we have needed to move on with our lives. So this is to all of you and many wishes and hopes that we will have many more laughs, smiles and tears together!!

To Ethan with love.....

To Ethan,

Today was a tough day. I thought about spending Wednesday afternoon with you and how I got to hold you and cry while feeling your heart beat with mine. Its amazing how in the few short weeks of you living with Nana that youve grown!! Your deffinately my little man in every way. I just want you to know that I love you and I am so proud to call you my son! I have never seen you so happy, and never has a smile made me feel so good on the inside. I love you and hope you know that I will always be your Mommy NO MATTER WHAT!!

With love,

Mommy